Heartbreak...

Post from Bad Girls Guide...

So totally relatable!

Every woman that has ever been in love can totally relate to this.

You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me….. You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he doesn’t want to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together.

He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy."

"As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Weren't you giving him enough? Space. Hmmm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again you knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your head telling you to "watch out and be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but you cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think…. Will it happen again.""

Five Key Questions to Ask Yourself Before Dating

What are your dating motivations?

My answers to the 5 questions at hand from
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/five-key-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-dating/#more-1074

Are you looking to date with the possibility of it growing into a relationship?

Yes I am now in the mood to seriously start dating men. I'm tired of the casual hook ups with boys. I'm tired of meeting people in the club. I'm getting older and maturing, so I think its time for me to get a lil deeper in the relationship aspect of life.

Are you dating as a sport?

Dating as a sport was something that I picked up towards the last half of 2007. I must admit that there is really a thrilling high that you get from dating so many people at one time. It was something that I needed to experience and go thru because for a long time I was fixated on getting the attention of one male in particular, who was less concerned at being receptive of me. It made me open up more to males and I got to meet and be involved with different types. It was a real experience of getting to know what qualities I liked and didn't.Then I fell for one, and it was pretty much a wrap after that. I can say that it was an experience but nothing I want to try again any time soon.

Are you looking for sex?

Negative. You don't have to date just to have sex. I could stand outside and scream off my porch that I'm trying to have sex and some non-serious person would hop to the opportunity. I'm tired of just having sex with someone. Sex is just sex, and nothing has to come along with that. Ive caught feelings for a small few with nothing coming back in return. I want something more than a sexual relationship with someone. There has to be deeper connection out here to have with a man than them just putting their dick deep inside of me!

Are you dating because you are scared of being alone?

If you would have asked me this a couple of years ago, I would have said HELL YEAH. I thought that I had to be with someone to feel complete. I wanted to be with someone so bad. I was reckless. I probably looked like a desperate chick out to attack. I was trying to turn everything into a relationship with any boy that crossed my path. Then, I went through a personal healing period in which I didn't talk to any boys. It was then that I realized that it wasn't necessary for them to make my life complete, for them to make me happy. A true test is to be able to stand alone-- which is a very hard to face in the beginning.

I love being single. I can go out and meet and mingle with whoever. I have no one to answer to. I can have a fun and random lifestyle in which the only person I have to please and answer to is me! But I'm ready to share me...

Do you feel pressure from family and friends?

My family really doesn't get in my business about who I'm dating. I have a mantra that whenever there is a serious relationship, they will meet the person other than that it is no need to be concerned about the person because they are not that serious. I'm careful about who I let come to my house and who people I know meet. There has been very few that have been exposed to people in my life. As far as my friends, my best friend is getting married so hell yeah I'm in a rush to find my husband! SIKE. Nah, I have friends who are in relationships and then I have friends who are single like me. To each is own and no one person influences me to be on either side of the fence. The time will come for me...I BELIEVE IT!

Interesting. How do you rate?
I'm looking to date...Now accepting applicants LOL!

Graduation...well NOT me!

So... for the past week my Facebook photos have been flooded with all the lovely people that I know who have completed the daunting road of college and are graduating. BOOO!
YES IMMA HATER! I'm tired of college DAMMIT. I'm ready to go now. I have another year..or two(yeah who knows whats going on with these grades or credits). I'm ready to move on to another phase in life. I'm the type of person who would rather be working a 9-5 than sitting in a classroom. YES that's me!
OK now in reality, if I was walking across the stage tomorrow, I don't think that I would be fully prepared to go out and do the things that I want to do once I complete college. So in a way I should be grateful that I have another year to prepare my life for that incredible phase that will come next....THE REAL WORLD!

Congrats to all my lovely people that I know who have graduated! It's over.

Besos ;*

Dating Mistakes

So we have all done something wrong when it comes to dating, right?
In the June issue of Essence magazine, is an article entitled
The top 4 dating mistakes black women make

Clearly, I have broken all 4!

Mistake 1: Asking him to carry your baggage

I used to do this a lot...OK I still am guilty of this one. Sometimes when you have your heart broken by someone you gave your trust and effort, it can be hard to trust the next dude that comes along. I feel as though I lost a good person simply because of the fact that I always thought he was gonna do me wrong or I was suspecting him of doing things when nothing was happening. I realize now, that although you may never forget the hurt, you can not put one case on another case.

Mistake 2: Thinking, I can work with this

I learned the hard way that you can not undo a hoe! No matter how pretty you are, how good you sexing him, how smart you are, how much you got your shit together, how much YOU are UPGRADING his ass. THIS WILL ALL FAIL! I knew the negro was no good, but I kept thinking if I do this... if I do that, he will change for me. I'M THE BEST THING IN HIS LIFE! He don't need no one else. NEGATIVE... I learned that me trying to change him was in fact changing me to settle for lower than lower than I ever would have before. I felt so ashamed I didn't want to share with no one the real deal of what was happening cuz I was embarrassed about how I might look. I was pretending with this boy only keeping him around to save face. Enough became enough, and more and more he was NOT changing, so he got dropped. He still comes around, but NEVER will I fallback.

Mistake 3: Moving too fast

I am the type of person who is not about the games, so I tend to like for people to tell it like it is so that we can both keep it moving whether its together or apart. Nowadays, its hard when everyone around you is shacking up and you have NO ONE, not to try to leach on to the first boy who comes along. I am impatient! I can't wait to see how things are going to go. I have to know now DAMMIT! Sometimes I wonder about the one I let go cuz he gave me the "Lets see how things go" answer....
Patience is a virtue I must work on.
But if you know me I been waiting to long for HIM.

Mistake 4: Reading into the sex

AAHH! The worst of them all ever to commit. When I lost my virginity(lol!), it was an instant afterthought that me and this boy was going to be together. HELL I WAS WRONG! That boy ain't call me for 2 fucking weeks after that...and this was after I blew up his phone! I had a nervous breakdown at Coldstone(I was eating my depressed life away!). He then preceded to tell me that he was not looking to be involved and that he thought I knew what was going down. I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT IDIOT IF I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT.(I'm getting out that repressed anger I still sorta have LOL). This trend lead to others, cuz I still had that thought that the sex meant something RIGHT?!?! Nowadays, with random(well not really random, I'm not a hoe!) or a new dude.
Sex=Sex
Sex≠Love
Learn this rule and live it.
I'm waiting to learn what love feels like...

I've said too much,
Besos!

The Drama Continues...

So when should I end it.

Waking up this morning at V's house.

Thinking about last nite and how I was thinking about so many people(boys) randomly...



I start reading my relationship/dating bible Baggage Reclaim catching up on the Drama series that I never had time to get into. That thing was made for me! Seriously, I been on the verge of crying every post because I am one of the people they are talking about who is always in a world of drama when it comes to relationships and dating. I'm ready to get on the road to recovery very soon not just with relationships with males but all the relationships in life cuz friendships can be drama too and trust that I have one of those types going on also.



So this stuck out to me, so I wanted to reflect upon it...



That my peeps, is drama in its most basic terms. He uses blowing and hot and cold to manage you and facilitate The Status Quo and you use drama to move the relationship up and down the scale and you also inadvertently feed into his agenda. You use drama to create the relationship that you think you deserve.



So if you know me, you know who this describes and what relationship I'm talking about.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole thing of waiting and seeing. Clearly, I have known HIM for over 4 years now, and things have been up and down. We have both played our parts in a huge drama filled relationship. Things have slightly progressed over the last year. I'm afraid that there can be nothing to come out of this because what is really left after the drama? In all honesty, not much really, but I believe that there was so much more in the beginning. The beginning is always so great, new and exciting. The timing was bad because the challenges of being in a new environment can make you want to embrace new things and not really give much thought to the past.



I believe that mends can be repaired. I honestly care for HIM and would always be there if he ever needed be. I have the slightest clue of how HE feels about me at this point. I hate the "define the relationship" talks because they always seem to go wrong because its like pressuring someone to make a decision right there and then.



I just don't know how long I should stick around for things to play out... or even if I should. I'm so clueless on what to do. My heart is with him...

I'm Back!

School is wrapping up for the semester!

I'm back in action.

I suppose that my summer will be busy, it needs to be anyway making money and making moves toward this degree. And most importantly having some good old summer fun!

My 22nd birthday was yesterday. I'm getting old.

I must get serious with life now. The hard and daunting task of becoming an adult, but I'm preparing slowly and surely.

Tomorrow, I will be back with the juicy goods. I'm tired now so I'm going to go chill out for a min.