Farewell to 2008!

This was supposed to be my year!
2008 was ok, I grew a lot and learned a lot...
But it had its ups and downs.

I thought about getting on here and making a post about all the wonderful resolutions that I wanted to do in the new year, but I decided against it. I know how sometimes list can set you up for failure especially resolutions, you set them and forget them!

Since we will have our first BLACK PRESIDENT this coming year, I'm going along with his slogan of CHANGE. I pledge to CHANGE aspects of my life, be it small or big. I will set no time frame but I plan to alter things for the better, to put my best foot forward for a better future.

CHANGE in 2009!

Happy New Year to all!
Besos :)

Throwback: Charlie Brown Christmas

This is my abosolute favorite!
I don't care how old I am or get, I will always watch this... I loved the Peanuts as a little girl. I even had a lunch box with them on it.

Holiday Frantic

Christmas is in 3 days!

Wild...

Even more wild is the long lines and 1/2 hour time spent in a car to find decent parking at the local mall. Christmas gifts to buy... I hate thinking of ideas so if I can't come up with one quickly I opt for the good ole gift card.

I seems as though so many people are shopping. I thought we were in a RECESSION. Where are people getting money from? Can I have some? I had to cut down my Christmas shopping list this year and on top of that had to budget how much I was going to spend on each person. I'm done, I picked up my last few things tonight and don't plan to step foot back in there until I'm picking up the after Christmas deals.

How did Christmas become so commercialized? I mean I feel as though through all this frenzy people have forgot the real meaning. Its kinda sad like as the years pass by it seems as if the gifts have to be bigger and better, which is costly. I mean a present is nice don't get me wrong, but how about laying low on spending your whole pay check and spending quality family time, or cooking a special meal and chilling with the significant other, and sitting that child down and explaining the real importance of Christmas. What happened to that?

I Like...

Paula Campbell: I Can't Leave

Why am I just finding out about this! Paula is my girl. I love it. I hope she makes it big one day soon, I peeped her cameo in the "Miss. Independent" remix video...

TMI Tuesday

1. What are your turn-ons?

Great smile, nice walk.

2. What are your turn-offs?

Clothes make a man, if your style is wack or you look a lil scruffy, I can't do it.

3. Not counting your turn-ons, what's the best trait a person can have?

Good sense of humor, able to carry on an intellectual conversation.

4. Not counting your turn-offs, what's the worst trait a person can have?

Not speaking proper English, can we say explicate language all the time!

5. What's your biggest pet peeve?

People who say unintelligent things...

Thanksgiving!

Today is Thanksgiving.

A day that is usually filled with pure nothingness and eating
ALL DAY! I usually regret it the next day, but my exercise will serve as running
through the many stores tomorrow for all the black Friday sales.

This year has been a trying year though.
I have a lot to be thankful for, because many people are going without during the holidays because of this horrible state that the economy is in.

I am thankful for...

• Being alive. Life is precious and I am truly happy that I have been allowed to grace this earth with my wonderful presence for 22 years.
• Being in good health. I have no major life threatening illnesses, I have not been hospitalized, so I've been doing pretty good.
• Family. Although, there are the ups and downs, I am appreciative that I have some sort of family structure that is there for me and lends out the support that they can. This year while working at the school, I feel for the children I see that are doing it on their own because they have parents and family that have neglected to be a vital piece in their lives.
• Friends. I love my friends so much. My best friend is my heart. I am learning to forgive. I have met new friends of whom I adore.
• Having a job. Many people are without. The kids aren't that bad are they!
• Having a house, food to eat, and a car to drive. These are things that some people consider luxury but I can afford and have been blessed with these things.

Be thankful for something today because there are many who are going without something that you have been blessed with.

Besos :*

I Like...

Kidz in the Hall ft. Estelle: Love Hangover

This is my shit.
Estelle is that chick, I love her!

I Like...

Kanye West: Heartless

The video is phenominal.
And the song is so on point.

I Like...

Solange: T.O.N.Y.

TMI Tuesday!

1. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
Mashed potatoes. My grandma makes them the absolute best!
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Hmm...I don't know. The T-Pain vocal is getting OVERKILL.
3. You seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
I would use it to put towards those knee boots I've been eying for a month or to get my new hair cut.
4. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck, for various reasons ;)
5. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
Probably when I was about 12 yrs old. back at my old house. Childhood was so much better than this adulthood thing.
Bonus (as in optional):You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
I would like the super power to read people's minds to see what they are thinking, so that in turn I could possibly change my behavior to suit their thoughts.

Thoughts Through Song

Kanye West: Love Lockdown


I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, til it's over love
Til we lose control, system overload
Screaming no no no, no no
I ain't loving you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but can't escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don't have to know
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose
I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got something to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, In the danger zone
How many times did it take til I finally got through
You lose, you lose
I ain't loving you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to go
No more wasting time, we can't wait for life
Which is wasting time, wheres the finish line
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose
I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
No I said I'm through, but got love for you
But I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it going, keep the loving going
Keep it on a roll, only god knows
Am I into you, baby I'm confused
You choose, you choose
I ain't loving you, the way I wanted to
Way I got to go, I don't need you
I been on this road, too many times before
I ain't loving you, the way I wanted to
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keeping ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keeping ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keeping ya love locked down, you lose
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keeping ya love locked down, ya love locked down
If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keeping ya love locked down, you lose

TMI: Firsts

1. Who and when was your first crush?
3rd grade and his name was James
2. Who and when was your first date?
My first real formal date was senior year of high school
3. Who and when was your first kiss?
5th grade, Tavon J.
4. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in car?
Uumm, the only person who went all the way in a car was C.B.
5. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in a house?
2007, T.F.
6. Who and when was your first love?
To Be Determined...
Bonus: Who's blog did you first comment on?
I couldn't even tell you.

TMI Tuesday!

I Voted! Hope you did too.
I haven't done these in so long Imma do like 5.

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault?
Never have I had either. I'm so grateful.
2. Have you ever voted? How old was your were you the first time you voted?
Yes! I was 18 during Bush vs. Kerry.
3. Are you glad this election cycle is over?
I am glad that finally Bush will be out of office come Jan. but I truly believe that this was the most exciting race to watch from beginning to end. It got so many people involved in politics. And honestly the best feeling in the world to see a man of color make it so far.
4. Do you have guilty pleasure? What is it (or are they)?
Dancing in my undies LOL.
5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently?
When isn't the slightest thing I do embarrassing.
Bonus: How much impact has the Wall Street and general economic wilt had on you?
I'm broke. Period.
Honestly its so hard to eat! Why am I paying $5 for fresh greens!!!

I Like:

Beyonce: Single Ladies
The video first, then the song.

This video is just fire. PERIOD

I Am Alive!

So this is like the first time I have actually been able to sit at a computer and have time to blog in such a long time! WOW, I don't even know what to say... My life has been incredibly consumed with SCHOOL, WORK, and what I try to make a SOCIAL LIFE.

SO UPDATES UPDATES UPDATES TO COME!

132...

I went to the doctors on Thursday.
The MA comes in and says "Do you know your weight?"
I reply "No" but I step on that scale weekly in my house.
I wanted an accurate answer, I knew it was going to be bad.
It read 132.1.
I just hung my head down.
Many people say "You don't look big, what are you worried about!"
I feel disgusting, I look disgusting.
Every time I go to the mall now to try something on I hate the way I look.
So much for positive self talk, but how can you do that as your stomach is protruding right in front of you out off that dress you want or you can buy a shirt because not only will it not button at your breast but now its hard to get buttoned over your stomach and you're at a size 10!

I've had enough.
I eat when I'm bored, when I'm sad, when I'm alone, when I'm with people.
I don't want to look thin, I don't have that type of issue of being 105 and thinking everything is fat. The anorexic look is NOT for me! I aiming for a flat tummy and definition in areas. So I'm preparing to implement a system to get my eating habits better and to start exercising so I can get to my goal of 112-115 range.
Being the big girl is not for me personally.
(No offense to girlies out there who are big and wearing it well!)

Olympic Talk

Yeah, yeah so Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals. GREAT!
Congrats to him plus he is a hometown hero. From Baltimore County(MD)
We should be proud.

But I wanna see the black faces. And NO not to make it a black/white issue, but I do.
So I found my EYE CANDY also as an Olympic swimmer.

Cullen Jones.24.Born in NY.Also won a gold medal.Currently part of the Olympic swim team.Holds a world record.SEXY!









I haven't really tuned in to the Olympics this year. It's kinda blah...

Thoughts through song

Jazmine Sullivan= SIMPLY AMAZING!

I first was put on to her last October with In Love With Another Man and heard her debut single Need You Bad back in Feb.

So I'm assuming that her album date must be soon cuz I just got ear of this joint, Lions, Tigers and Bears. At first look of the title, I was like WTH what could this possibly be about, but in the first 30 sec, I was hooked.

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)

But I'm scared of (loving you)

I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)

But I'm scared of (loving you)

Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task

Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?

Why do we love Love,When Love seems to hate us?

Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom.

You say you care, and I know you do...

But this is from my experience

And my conclusion only makes sense.

Just cause I love you, and you love me

It doesn't mean that we're meant to be.

I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas

But the most frightening you and me.

Most circumstances, I know my fate

But in this love thang, I don't get the game.

Why does it feel like those who give in,

They only wind up losing a friend.

Just cause I love you and you love me,

It doesn't mean that we'll ever be.

Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen

But the most frightening thing is you and me.

I'm sure though I'm not sure

But if we never try, We'll never know

It's better to have loved then not to loved at all

Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall

And if we do, I'd rather it be with you

Cause at least there will be sweet memories.

Oh I'm not scared...

New Job!

So I've been absent all week due to starting my new job on Monday. I am now employed by the Baltimore City school system to work in the Reach! Partnership middle/high school as a Reach! Advocate. I will basically be tutoring a group of 10 students throughout the school year and a little more extra stuff. I have to also teach a class every Wednesday. I will be working with 6th graders! I'm scared and excited all at the same time but I really think that this is an awesome opportunity that I have found and a GROWN UP step that I'm taking in life. This coming week I will get to meet my kids during their summer orientation workshop. I'm excited! Hopefully they wont be bad as shit or I will have to get them in line.
I don't know if I should go by Ms. Leslie or Ms. Jones?

Yo-Yo Girl

Relationships...
I know there is no how to manual for many things in life but last year in desperation, I searched the net to seek out some advice for a situation I was going through with a male because I was just tired of talking to people about it. I came across the blog Baggage Reclaim, and I swear this woman is an expert. Like there where so many articles that were dead on, I couldn't believe it!

Today is no exception and this one REALLY hits home for one of my situations...

Yo-Yo girl:

The Yo-Yo Girl, that woman that keeps returning to the scene of the crime and seems to have a trail of unfinished business in her life, or ‘boomerang relationships’. You’ll know you’re her if:
• Either of the scenario’s above seem familiar.

• You claim you’ve ended it with various partners, but you have hook-ups and there have been several attempts at rekindling things, that clearly aren’t working out.

• There seems to be no end to your relationships – they end ambiguously and when he returns, whilst you may have high hopes, he continues to be ambiguous.

• You’ve often gone from being in a relationship with a guy, to being broken up, to being his booty call…even if you rationalise it as something better…

• You claim to be over your ex’s but secretly hold out hope that at least one of them will come blazing back in on his white horse and declare his undying love and realise how wonderful you are. (cough, cough!)

• Despite finding yourself in these scenario’s, you fear confronting him and asking for clarification and instead rely on your imagination…

Today's post: Why You'll Always Be A Yo-Yo Girl If You Don't Maintain The No Contact Rule

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-youll-always-be-a-yo-yo-girl-if-you-dont-maintain-the-no-contact-rule/#more-1150

Could not come at a better time. I'm at a crossroads...You want something so bad so you stay even when it sometimes makes me feel like shit! You want more for yourself, and I truly believe that I deserve more, I deserve the best, but I can't find the strength to walk away from something that has been so familiar for 4 years. I find myself doubting the abilities of other males who try to grow close cuz I'm stuck on everyone having ulterior motives AND some do... but not everyone. I don't know, I'm depressed now thinking about it.

Sometimes I wish someone would grab me and shake me out of it!

Teedra is Back!

OMG... I should really start that music blog, but anywho.
TEEDRA MOSES has a new track floating on the net.
I heard it a couple of days ago.
It's called "So Cool".
I love Teedra so, I don't care what it sounds like
But it's growing on me, its a different sound but not in a bad way it has like an 80s Prince vibe going on.
I'm just so EXCITED that she is back.

CNN Presents: Black In America

I've been waiting since I found out in January for this series to air. I think that it is something that the world should tune into. I wish that this would make a major impact on our society, but I know that is not realistic. I have always wondered why a dark skin color would make a world of a difference in how you were treated and what opportunities could be given in life. This series will cover both sides black women and men. And also touching on issues of prison, education, wealth, family, marriage and various others.

It comes on tonite at 9pm and resumes tomorrow at the same time on CNN.

TMI Tuesday: Fart Edition LOL!

1. Are your farts;
a. Silent but deadly
b. All sound, no fury
c. Loud and stinky
2. Have you ever farted in front of a lover? Who was the 1st one to do it? How did they or you handle it.
Hell naw! I've never let it slip in front of a male partner yet... I would be disgusted with myself.
3. Have you ever farted and tried to blame someone else? Who and did you get away with it?
All the time. I tend to act like I don't even smell anything. LOL.
4. What food triggers you?
Diary products are a killer.
5. Varts (Vaginal Farts) Scary, or an indication of a good time being had by all?
It happened once, and needless to say I could have died! It was embarrassing, but hey I was definitely having a good time!

Addicted: True Hook Up Confessions

I'm so addicted to True Hook Up Confessions!

It is basically a site where you can say the things you were afraid to say to someone or just random, crazy thoughts you may have.
I have spent hours on there just reading and agreeing with others.
The whole thing is anonymous.
I've only made 1 post.
You will never believe how many people share your same thoughts. AMAZING!

Go visit:
http://www.truehookupconfessions.com/

R.I.P. K-Swift aka Baltimore Club Queen

Anyone from Baltimore and surrounding areas who pick up 92 Q as a radio station or who come to the clubs in Baltimore, are familiar with the Dj-ing of Baltimore's Club Queen K-Swift. She passed suddenly last night in what is being unofficially reported as an accidental drowning where she may have hit her head in a pool. There has been no official reports that I have seen yet. This is absolutely shocking news to me and to Baltimore as a city. K-Swift was the number one DJ in every ones book. I just seen her on Saturday at the cultural festival here in Baltimore Artscape and she was on stage DJing while everyone was parting to their favorite club songs. I'm not so much a club fan now, but back in the day when I was hitting it heavy I always wanted to go where K-Swift was because I knew the music would be jumping. The Paradox was the spot! Even that awful club Choices when she was there. K-Swift did both of my proms in high school....aww the memories of the music. She will truly be missed and club music will never be the same without her. R.I.P. ans condolences to her family. Truly one of B-More's finest!

My favs!:

Random Thoughts Through Song

Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me

It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet

You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window,

I see my reflection as I slowly pass

And I long for this mirrored perspective,

when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

You reject my advances and desperate pleas

I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

TMI Tuesday - School Days Edition

1. What were you known as in HS (Jock, Princess, Geek)

Hmm... people could have thought many things about me in high school. I never seen myself in one of those stereotypical labels. I was cool with everyone from any clique. Some would say I was a goody two shoes, smart girl in class, quiet, mean girl, crazy. I was in my own category!

2. What were you really?

I was out of control, sike naw I was all about my work but I still liked to have fun.

3. If you could go back and tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?

I am 22 and I can't really remember too much about 6 years ago SAD...Hmm let me think. At 16 I got out of a crazy relationship, I got my first cell phone and I started going to the club, granted it was a 21 and under joint, and I experimented with drinking simple as Bailey's Irish cream and Smirnoff Ice. The one thing I would tell myself is to take it easy and enjoy young life, I think as a teen you want to be grown up so fast and when it happens, you will be longing for the good ole days.

4. If you could erase one moment from your school days what would it be?

I have no regrets or did anything too foolishly to want to get rid of a moment in time.

5. Who did you not date (or more) that you wish you did?

Aahh there were definitely some people who could get it LOL. Freshman year was the best there were soo many fine upperclassmen that I lusted for but as far as others... Lets just say I got more than enough people after high school was over.

Bonus (as in optional): If you went to prom, describe your outfit.

We had two proms.

Junior Prom: I wore a simple lavender dress that was tight fitting that was cut on and angle at the bottom and the straps criss-crossed in the back. I got it made and now when I look at those pictures I hate it. My make up was on point though.

Senior Prom: I wore a peach colored dress that was made like the one Charlize Theron wore to the 2000 Oscars.

TMI Tuesday - Deadly Sins Edition

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?

I don't have a significant other, so I can lust over the many gorgeous men in the world.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?

Sweets. Any kind. I truly believe that I have a sweet tooth cuz I can eat anything sweet at anytime and never get tired of it. But I love cakes.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?

Money. I want to be rich dammit! Currently: Food. That's why my stomach looks gross.

Love. I want to give and be loved.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?

Pure nothingness of laying in my bed all day stuffing my face.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.

I haven't fought in forever. There have been so many times I wanted to smack someone...I cuss people out... you know I'm crazy!

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?

I guess its natural to envy someone who is in the position that you want to be, but I'm not about hating on people. I spend that energy bettering my own situation.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?

I'm mad that I'm still in college and that I won't be out until December 2009 and I will have to walk across the stage with 2010 but I am proud that no matter what I have not given up the fight.

What do I do?

I've been away for about a week or two now...
I'm not sure what to do with my blog...
I don't really get any readers so...

I don't know.
Then I thought of starting another blog based on music but I'm not sure of the time devotion I could make to it.

So what do I do?

TMI Tuesday

1. Do you believe anyone truly likes their job? If so, why?

I just discussed this with my friend yesterday. I believe that you truly have to follow your passion in life to fully be happy with the career choice that you make. In other words, you can't just go after what make the most money.
2. Do you 1) live to work or 2) work to live 3) not see a difference?
I would want to say that you should live to work. Everyone was placed here to serve a purpose, so you should do whatever your role is, but we do exist in a world where you must work to live because you have to take care of yourself and all the many wonderful expenses that entails.
3. How many hours do you work a week?
I am a full time college student, that's enough work!
4. What was your safety item (i.e. blankie) from when you were little?
I had a bear and my little pink and whit crochet blanket.
5. Have you ever used food during sex?
I don't really think of ice as a food...

Bonus (as in optional):What is your guilty food pleasure?

Snickers bar

Deja Vu

Three years ago just happened again...
but with a different person.

When will I ever learn?

Celtics Win!

Soo dramatic, but well deserved.

I've never really cared much for pro-basketball before but this series was great to watch from beginning to end. I guess I can look forward to watching and learning more next go round.

I Like...

I've always been fond of Ms. Solange. I actually bought her first CD and loved it when she came out with "Feelin You". Ever since I heard this song back in April, I've been in love and the video is even better. Hopefully she does well this time around. Enjoy!

TMI Tuesday

1.What's your favorite color of lingerie?

I don't own official lingerie like a real set. I'll get that when I have someone worthwhile to perform for lol. But I've got some cute undies in pretty colors.

2. Do you have a porn collection?

Negative. Porn really doesn't turn me on all that much. They treat those girls like animals!

3. Do you have any fetishes?

None that I have discovered yet...

4. What is your favorite place to have sex?

The bed... I haven't got real adventurous yet.

5. Do you like to scratch, bite, pull hair, etc? Do you like having it done to you?

Yeah I'm down with giving and receiving. I like it rough sometimes lol.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you think the number of sexual partners you've had is below average, average, or above average, and how does that make you feel?

I mean to me given how long I've been having sex its a little more than I would have wanted. Shit happens. I have no regrets.

I'm trying to calm down.

Another Father-LESS Day

I am pretty much candid with people when it comes to talking about my father.

My brother and I are pretty much an illusion in his eyes.

He is pretty much like a distant family member that you might see after a long time and at first everyone is happy, then it just like silence because you all don't even know what to say to each other because you don't know too much about them.

When I was younger, my "father" made attempts to be a father. He would come take us out and buy us what we wanted. We would even stay with him on the weekends frequently. Then one day it was like something changed, and it all stopped.

This man knows nothing about me. I can say the same about him.

The simple things like personality traits, likes, dislikes

friends... NOTHING!

Hasn't attended any important milestones... graduation, proms.

It's sad and sometimes it makes me angry. I can definitely tell that it affects my brother and I more now than it did when we were younger. I truly believe that if my father had played a significant role in our lives that my brother would not be into the lifestyle of which he lives now. But what can you do? And even sadder is the fact that he comes from a large family and never has any of them ever tried to reach out to us. It's just really like a sad situation, maybe because my moms side would never do that.

I wonder why my father acts the way he does. But I strongly believe in karma and that you reap what you sow. I would at any moment establish a real relationship back with my father but only time will tell if that would ever happen. Growing up this way has made me yearn to not raise my child in this fashion and hopefully the man who will father my child would not be like my father.

After all is said and done, I really do appreciate my mother for all that she has done for me.

Besides everything, I do have males that have helped raise me. I have great uncles and my late wonderful grandfather. I loved my grandfather so much. I definitely have him to thank for my mannerisms and my no nonsense attitude! He was a great man who believed that you should work hard to earn something.

Outsiders were afraid of him because he seemed very stern but he gave us anything we wanted. I wish he was still around to get some of my younger cousins who weren't raised under him in line!

Love you Pop-Pop.

Happy Fathers Day to all the real men playing a part in their child's life.

24 hrs...

So its been six months...
I missed him.
So I hit him up on FB first to save face, you know cuz it wouldn't hurt that much if he never responded or if he got like crazy on me or something. So then that was cool we exchanged a few convos on there so I decided I would call him next to keep it going.
I chickened out.
I decided to text him instead.
He responded back immediately.
It was fine at first regular, standard conversation that you would share with anyone at the beginning.
Then, it was brought up.
Who cut who off...
Aaahh! I wasn't trying to go there, but how could I not. We both avoided each other. Why? I don't know. I missed him though at times and I moved on to others, but certain things would make me think of him.
So, after debating I thought it was over...so I let him know to hit me up when he wanted to talk.

Next day...
He calls me.
I was surprised to hear from him so soon.
It was the first time I heard his voice in months and he sounded so good! OMG.
I was dying on the inside.
We talked for a bit.
Then he said we should meet up soon, "I know you want to see me, so lets stop BSing"
I died again.
Then he told me he was living in an apartment this coming school year.
"Are you gonna come visit me?"
"Are you going to come stay the night with me...I will fix you breakfast"
I died again.
I told him I had to call him back shortly afterwards.
It was too much...
I don't know how I feel yet, what I'm getting myself into or what may happen.

What have I created?

TMI Tuesday

1. If you're in love with your partner, does it make the sex better?

Totally! It takes physical and emotional attraction to make it the best experience.

2. What is the most expensive sex toy you've ever purchased?

Surprisingly I don't own any. I always wanted to buy one though.

3. If you knew ahead of time you would not have an orgasm, would you still have sex?

Depends on who the person was... I've only had one great real deal orgasm ;(

4. What celebrity would you most like to have sex with if given the chance?

Hhmm. I don't know. Too many to choose from.

5. Have you ever had sex while an audience watched?

Not voluntarily. I might have left the blinds open a time or two.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best sexual encounter you've ever had.

With my young love...aaahhh! It just never seemed to end! I miss it!

Inspirational Message

I remember when I first saw this a year ago, I cried for hours. Then once I found it on You Tube I couldn't stop watching it! The message is sooo clear and who else would be so ever wonderful and gracious to deliver it but Jill Scott herself.

I could relate so much because there was a time in my life where I did things to please "boys", but I would be left with hurt, guilt, and shame. I wanted the attention that they gave me even though it wasn't the attention that I fully wanted from them but I accepted what ever form that it came in. It wasn't until I got tired and started realizing as she said that "I was holding me back from the me that I would become" and also that I had to make it about myself to and do what I wanted that would make me happy.

Enjoy!

Where We Stand

I forgot the source of this quote, but I read, heard, or seen it somewhere a while ago.

"Sometime you never know how relevant you are in someones life."

It struck me to think of the many people who are in my life.
Why are they there?
What role do I play in their lives?

I can say that I only surround myself with people in which I share a close connection with. My circle is very small. I was never the type to want to be popular or to have all these people around me. I personally believe that it starts too much drama, fakers and confusion. The relationships that I have with the people I have around me are important.

I often wonder with some people the role I play in their lives...
Some people who I consider close to me are not all that forthcoming about the importance or lack thereof that I may have in their lives. In particular, I have known someone for many years and that person sometimes I feel devalues the friendship that I thought we had by doing things that someone as a friend should not do. This has been a continuous battle over many years, that I have finally grown tired of. Things like this make you wonder if you are relevant in this persons life, and even the fact if they should be relevant in yours.

Happy So-Not-A Virgin-Anymore Anniversary!

So today marks the one year date since I lost my virginity.



It was a warm and summer June day, no one was home. I got a visit from "that boy".

Things escalated...and it happened. It wasn't pleasant at all! I was disappointed and couldn't understand all the hype... until after about the 3rd time LOL!



There were so many other times before this instance that it could have happened, but I had made the decision as a young woman that I would wait until I was with someone that I was sure it would be worth it for. THAT WAS NOT THE CASE! Not that I didn't like "that boy", but as an afterthought he was not the right one. It turned out to get even more worse after that with "that boy". I was real hurt at first thought I had made the hugest mistake ever! I had a lot of regret. My story wasn't this magical thing like other girls I knew. As far as I was concerned, sex made me even more crazier. It bout in a whole new emotional element that I was not ready to handle. Now I know why adults say sex is a grown up thing, cuz you really have to be ready to face what ever comes with that partner you choose.



The deed was done...yeah but sometimes I wish I would have waited or choose another person cuz "that boy" took me on a roller coaster of emotions and had me acting out of control. We don't talk much anymore cuz I have forgave and moved on...Funny the difference a year can make in your life.

OBAMA 4 PRESIDENT!

Who would have ever dreamed that as an African American, I would live to see the making of the first African American president of the United States of America! This is such an amazing time. Last nights victory of clinching the nomination was truly a wonderful experience. I anticipated that it would be settled today, but last night as those votes rolled in I broke down. The ancestors of all African Americans fought so hard for things like this to happen. It truly makes you appreciate your history, your people, and all the great leaders of the past who fought so hard for things like this to come true. I personally thought of my great grandmother who was my heart. A great and wise woman who was born before civil rights leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr. As a child, I would listen to many of the great memories that she shared with me about her upbringings and experiences that she faced growing up a black woman during segregation. She wanted me to be the best at the path of life I chose. I know that she would be so proud to see the achievements of a man like Obama. Its rewarding to know that I will see this unfold and to know that younger generations like my five year old cousin may live to see many more prominent black government positions flourish from this moment.
GO OBAMA 08!

Wackness

So Ive been out of school for about 2 weeks now.
Ive done absolutely nothing!
I have no job, nothing to do during the week at all.
WACK.
Looked today to see if I could get in the BIO class I needed to take this summer, FULL.
I'm graduating in DECEMBER 2009 now. That SUCKS. I have 48 credits to complete now.
Hopefully I can pick up a class somewhere for the second session. My mission this week is to find another job and map out a plan for the next year and a half.
O my life!

Heartbreak...

Post from Bad Girls Guide...

So totally relatable!

Every woman that has ever been in love can totally relate to this.

You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me….. You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he doesn’t want to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together.

He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy."

"As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Weren't you giving him enough? Space. Hmmm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again you knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your head telling you to "watch out and be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but you cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think…. Will it happen again.""

Five Key Questions to Ask Yourself Before Dating

What are your dating motivations?

My answers to the 5 questions at hand from
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/five-key-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-dating/#more-1074

Are you looking to date with the possibility of it growing into a relationship?

Yes I am now in the mood to seriously start dating men. I'm tired of the casual hook ups with boys. I'm tired of meeting people in the club. I'm getting older and maturing, so I think its time for me to get a lil deeper in the relationship aspect of life.

Are you dating as a sport?

Dating as a sport was something that I picked up towards the last half of 2007. I must admit that there is really a thrilling high that you get from dating so many people at one time. It was something that I needed to experience and go thru because for a long time I was fixated on getting the attention of one male in particular, who was less concerned at being receptive of me. It made me open up more to males and I got to meet and be involved with different types. It was a real experience of getting to know what qualities I liked and didn't.Then I fell for one, and it was pretty much a wrap after that. I can say that it was an experience but nothing I want to try again any time soon.

Are you looking for sex?

Negative. You don't have to date just to have sex. I could stand outside and scream off my porch that I'm trying to have sex and some non-serious person would hop to the opportunity. I'm tired of just having sex with someone. Sex is just sex, and nothing has to come along with that. Ive caught feelings for a small few with nothing coming back in return. I want something more than a sexual relationship with someone. There has to be deeper connection out here to have with a man than them just putting their dick deep inside of me!

Are you dating because you are scared of being alone?

If you would have asked me this a couple of years ago, I would have said HELL YEAH. I thought that I had to be with someone to feel complete. I wanted to be with someone so bad. I was reckless. I probably looked like a desperate chick out to attack. I was trying to turn everything into a relationship with any boy that crossed my path. Then, I went through a personal healing period in which I didn't talk to any boys. It was then that I realized that it wasn't necessary for them to make my life complete, for them to make me happy. A true test is to be able to stand alone-- which is a very hard to face in the beginning.

I love being single. I can go out and meet and mingle with whoever. I have no one to answer to. I can have a fun and random lifestyle in which the only person I have to please and answer to is me! But I'm ready to share me...

Do you feel pressure from family and friends?

My family really doesn't get in my business about who I'm dating. I have a mantra that whenever there is a serious relationship, they will meet the person other than that it is no need to be concerned about the person because they are not that serious. I'm careful about who I let come to my house and who people I know meet. There has been very few that have been exposed to people in my life. As far as my friends, my best friend is getting married so hell yeah I'm in a rush to find my husband! SIKE. Nah, I have friends who are in relationships and then I have friends who are single like me. To each is own and no one person influences me to be on either side of the fence. The time will come for me...I BELIEVE IT!

Interesting. How do you rate?
I'm looking to date...Now accepting applicants LOL!

Graduation...well NOT me!

So... for the past week my Facebook photos have been flooded with all the lovely people that I know who have completed the daunting road of college and are graduating. BOOO!
YES IMMA HATER! I'm tired of college DAMMIT. I'm ready to go now. I have another year..or two(yeah who knows whats going on with these grades or credits). I'm ready to move on to another phase in life. I'm the type of person who would rather be working a 9-5 than sitting in a classroom. YES that's me!
OK now in reality, if I was walking across the stage tomorrow, I don't think that I would be fully prepared to go out and do the things that I want to do once I complete college. So in a way I should be grateful that I have another year to prepare my life for that incredible phase that will come next....THE REAL WORLD!

Congrats to all my lovely people that I know who have graduated! It's over.

Besos ;*

Dating Mistakes

So we have all done something wrong when it comes to dating, right?
In the June issue of Essence magazine, is an article entitled
The top 4 dating mistakes black women make

Clearly, I have broken all 4!

Mistake 1: Asking him to carry your baggage

I used to do this a lot...OK I still am guilty of this one. Sometimes when you have your heart broken by someone you gave your trust and effort, it can be hard to trust the next dude that comes along. I feel as though I lost a good person simply because of the fact that I always thought he was gonna do me wrong or I was suspecting him of doing things when nothing was happening. I realize now, that although you may never forget the hurt, you can not put one case on another case.

Mistake 2: Thinking, I can work with this

I learned the hard way that you can not undo a hoe! No matter how pretty you are, how good you sexing him, how smart you are, how much you got your shit together, how much YOU are UPGRADING his ass. THIS WILL ALL FAIL! I knew the negro was no good, but I kept thinking if I do this... if I do that, he will change for me. I'M THE BEST THING IN HIS LIFE! He don't need no one else. NEGATIVE... I learned that me trying to change him was in fact changing me to settle for lower than lower than I ever would have before. I felt so ashamed I didn't want to share with no one the real deal of what was happening cuz I was embarrassed about how I might look. I was pretending with this boy only keeping him around to save face. Enough became enough, and more and more he was NOT changing, so he got dropped. He still comes around, but NEVER will I fallback.

Mistake 3: Moving too fast

I am the type of person who is not about the games, so I tend to like for people to tell it like it is so that we can both keep it moving whether its together or apart. Nowadays, its hard when everyone around you is shacking up and you have NO ONE, not to try to leach on to the first boy who comes along. I am impatient! I can't wait to see how things are going to go. I have to know now DAMMIT! Sometimes I wonder about the one I let go cuz he gave me the "Lets see how things go" answer....
Patience is a virtue I must work on.
But if you know me I been waiting to long for HIM.

Mistake 4: Reading into the sex

AAHH! The worst of them all ever to commit. When I lost my virginity(lol!), it was an instant afterthought that me and this boy was going to be together. HELL I WAS WRONG! That boy ain't call me for 2 fucking weeks after that...and this was after I blew up his phone! I had a nervous breakdown at Coldstone(I was eating my depressed life away!). He then preceded to tell me that he was not looking to be involved and that he thought I knew what was going down. I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT IDIOT IF I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT.(I'm getting out that repressed anger I still sorta have LOL). This trend lead to others, cuz I still had that thought that the sex meant something RIGHT?!?! Nowadays, with random(well not really random, I'm not a hoe!) or a new dude.
Sex=Sex
Sex≠Love
Learn this rule and live it.
I'm waiting to learn what love feels like...

I've said too much,
Besos!

The Drama Continues...

So when should I end it.

Waking up this morning at V's house.

Thinking about last nite and how I was thinking about so many people(boys) randomly...



I start reading my relationship/dating bible Baggage Reclaim catching up on the Drama series that I never had time to get into. That thing was made for me! Seriously, I been on the verge of crying every post because I am one of the people they are talking about who is always in a world of drama when it comes to relationships and dating. I'm ready to get on the road to recovery very soon not just with relationships with males but all the relationships in life cuz friendships can be drama too and trust that I have one of those types going on also.



So this stuck out to me, so I wanted to reflect upon it...



That my peeps, is drama in its most basic terms. He uses blowing and hot and cold to manage you and facilitate The Status Quo and you use drama to move the relationship up and down the scale and you also inadvertently feed into his agenda. You use drama to create the relationship that you think you deserve.



So if you know me, you know who this describes and what relationship I'm talking about.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this whole thing of waiting and seeing. Clearly, I have known HIM for over 4 years now, and things have been up and down. We have both played our parts in a huge drama filled relationship. Things have slightly progressed over the last year. I'm afraid that there can be nothing to come out of this because what is really left after the drama? In all honesty, not much really, but I believe that there was so much more in the beginning. The beginning is always so great, new and exciting. The timing was bad because the challenges of being in a new environment can make you want to embrace new things and not really give much thought to the past.



I believe that mends can be repaired. I honestly care for HIM and would always be there if he ever needed be. I have the slightest clue of how HE feels about me at this point. I hate the "define the relationship" talks because they always seem to go wrong because its like pressuring someone to make a decision right there and then.



I just don't know how long I should stick around for things to play out... or even if I should. I'm so clueless on what to do. My heart is with him...

I'm Back!

School is wrapping up for the semester!

I'm back in action.

I suppose that my summer will be busy, it needs to be anyway making money and making moves toward this degree. And most importantly having some good old summer fun!

My 22nd birthday was yesterday. I'm getting old.

I must get serious with life now. The hard and daunting task of becoming an adult, but I'm preparing slowly and surely.

Tomorrow, I will be back with the juicy goods. I'm tired now so I'm going to go chill out for a min.

Short Hiatus

School is kicking my ass!
I let alone have time to spend nothing time online
So even though I just started this thing...
It will resume fully once school is over.

I'm thinking about writing on topics vs. the whole life thing
I have a PERSONAL diary for all that.

Besos ;*

Headache

I've been having a headache for 2 days now!

Yesterday was a mess.

I go to school to a test that I think I failed.

Sit through another class which I couldn't complete the assignment for cuz I didn't bring my book. I couldn't afford that cuz I currently have an F with 4 weeks left.

Next class sit through boring presentations...ugh.

Econ: POP QUIZ! I was sooo fucking pissed. I'm glad I understood this chapter, else I would have been fucked. So I didn't speak to my *friend* lol. He kept texting me. I couldn't respond cuz my phone is off! (Times is hard out here for a sista!) So he's like what's up with you ignoring me. Me and my lovely smile is like nothing and walked out.

He texted me again that night! Like you don't fuck with me no more...

Aaww, cute...slightly.

Get to my car, and the shit does not START!

I'm on the verge of tears. I had to walk home! It was about a mile but, that's a lot for my fat ass.

Luckily my mom was in a good mood and she actually helped me out, so Suzie is back in business.

We had a family dinner last night, its weird for all of us to be together at one time. LOL. It's crazy how we don't really spend any time together at all. I avoid them in the house. Crazy, but it was cool. You know the usual talk from mom: get your shit together, don't get pregnant. The end.

Today, did nothing at all.

I'm a lazy hoe.

Better tomorrow.

I hope that check is there I need my phone back on! And I need a treat and a fab weekend it's supposed to be 80 degrees on Friday!

I need to figure where I'm going to post thins blog for more exposure...

I know I have one reader ;)

I want more though.

Pick up or download(like me) the Mariah Carey CD.

E=MC2

It's hot. It's basically the same sound as Emancipation of Mimi.

Weekend Recap

Well...
So ain't nothing interesting to say the least happened.
Life is boring! Or more like MY life is boring.
But what is there really to do?
I feel like I need new people or new places...

Friday
Went to my new hangout spot...GRANDMA'S lmao!
I was there 3 times this week.
Went to see Jess.

Saturday
Work...blah
My cousins baby shower!
Interesting to say the least, my younger cousin is having a baby. Actually, 3 of them now have had pregnancy but he is the first to go through lol. I say more power to ya cuz even though I am the oldest grandchild I have no immediate plans to drop any baby. Me with a baby LMAO, I don't have a maternal bone in my body. Maybe someday, maybe not. Baby showers give you that sense that you want a baby now cuz you see all the cute lil things and clothes...then I'm over it.
Went riding with my aunt downtown to the Harbor, but it rained and we couldn't get out. She showed me some spots in Canton. Looks like a new location to hit up since the weather is getting warm.

Sunday
I'm sitting here thinking I have so much to do.
Got up washed my hair, I have to tackle that later.
I have a test to study for that I'm afraid I will do bad on.
I have a paper I desperately have to do and I project I need to work on since I ducked the girl on Friday.

I need to get out of my lazy slump, ugh.

First post...

So Im back in the virtual world of blogging again!
I used to have a blog like 3 years ago... but I had no idea really what to do with it
and I just wanted to bash a person publically LOL!
But I figured this is a way I can keep track of my thoughts and life all the while letting
people into my head.
Someone could help me or I could possibly help someone else. Go figure!

So whats going on currently...
School SUCKS ASS...Im really SOOO over it.
Im on a personal protest by not doing anything academically engaging.
Im BROKE! Find me a job SOMEONE, ANYONE!!
Im ready for the real summer weather. Like flip flops, snoballs in the evening, walks at the lake
drunken nites spent at downtown bars, hanging out hardcore.
Summer come soon.

This blog will not only be an insight to my CRAZY life, but things I like and things I find important.

Until next time.
Besos ;)